Tuesday, December 2, 2008
THE INITIAL STATEMENT
Yeah, hi. I tuned in to watch an episode of The Hills last night. Not Golden Girls: Huntington Beach edition. WTF is up wth Nana? Why did MTV feel compelled to dedicate 8 of the 10 minutes of the show where characters are actually conversing... to Nana?
First of all, NANA, if that is your real name... why aren't you disagreeing with Stephanie that Spencer is your favorite? In the grand tradition of elderly family members, aren't you supposed to claim that you have no favorites? That you love them all the same? And it's not like I think Stephanie should be your favorite because, ugh. But the point is, you shouldn't have a favorite. That's bullsh*t.
Second of all, why did Spencer need to explain the LC/Heidi situation to you? Do you live in the world? Do they not deliver Us Weekly, People magazine, and NBC to Huntington? Also, according to the Aftershow, you LOVE The Hills. You should know this feud like the back of your Pratt hand. So why play dumb?
And finally, have you met your grandchild Spencer Pratt? He talks around you like he assumes you can't hear what he's saying. How do you not see through him and that he was blatantly guilt-tripping Stephanie into visiting you? He is a maje prick. Does he really call you once a week? I don't know how you stand it. You either have the same tolerance for idiodacy as Chiara, or you're dumb as rocks in your old age.
"A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt." - Woodrow T. Wilson
I enjoyed The Hills last night. Usually, I'm disappointed by the lack of grandparents on my favorite reality tv shows. So to see Spencer and Stephanie interact with their Nana, to me, was a breath of fresh air. I think this is going to be a growing trend on tv and cant wait to see more of my favorite MTV stars (besides Joey from Real World Hollywood) interact with their grandmas. .
I wonder if Spencer realizes he's at a crossroads and thats why he consulted Nana? Let's be honest. This season is stale, everyone is waiting for The City, Lauren has alienated all of her BFFs, and how long can Spencer keep a feud with his sister going? We need new drama, and not the fake kind of drama but the really real kind. So I think its endearing Spencer brought his Nana into the thick of it, and I think its a strategic move. I'd like to see LC try and impart some words of wisdom on Nana because let's be honest, Nanas have already heard and seen it all.
On a side note, my own Nana died in a Nursing home in March 2005. I miss you. I should have been a better grandson and visited you more. I hope wherever you are, you are happy and with Poppop.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
If Beau were President he would make Lauren Conrad Vice President. Every morning he would use his LG Shine from AT&T to call Lauren and discuss foreign and national policy. They would also create an all white fashion line branded WHITE HOUSE.
If Beau were Presdent he would make Spencer Pratt Secretary of Defense. He would turn Spencer into the ultimate fighting Maverick focusing all of his aggresive behavior off of his sister and onto Al Quadian loving terrorists. He would let Spencer wild in Afghanistan to personally hunt and kill Osama Bin Laden.
If Beau were President he would make Whitney Port Secretary of State. She has been to Paris twice, and everybody loves Whitney.
If Beau were President, he'd make Frankie Delgado Press Secretary because nobody gets a party started like Frankie.
If Beau were President he would make Lisa Love his Secretary of Interior (Design) because ever since she was a runaway teen she's had impeccable taste.
If Beau were President, he would make Adam Divello and Liz Gately joint Chiefs of Staff because they are American heroes, and can do no wrong.
If Beau were President, he would change the national anthem to "Womanizer."
If Beau were President, he would implement Taco Tuesdays and Waffle Shirt Wednesdays.
Finally, If Beau were President he would pardon Heidi Montag for all her bad decisions.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Currently looking for loving parents to reunite their two doting children. Both children are in their twenties and are fighting over reasons even they can't remember.(1) The first, Spencer, is a caring older brother who just wants to be closer to his sister, but can't find the strength to take the first step. (2)Stephanie, his younger sister, lives in anguish over their disagreement. (3) They need their parents to help pick up the pieces and put them back together. Both Spencer and Stephanie are beloved American icons and are role models for today's youth.(4) If their parents are out there, please contact these two and make amends. We want nothing more than to see them happy and renewing our sense of family values. (5)
(1) Spencer is pissed because Stephanie is rolling with Lauren Conrad, his mortal enemy. "Don't you have any sense of family loyalty?"
(2) He really wants nothing to do with Stephanie and said he knew from when she was born that she was a bad egg.
(3) She's having a blast rolling around with LC's posse. Except for when Brody makes her cry. And when Doug makes her cry.
(4) Stephanie was arrested two years ago for shoplifting over $1,300 worth of merchandise in Hawaii. Spencer made his girlfriend's mom cry.
(5) Mr. and Mrs. Pratt, where the f*ck are you? Your kids are a mess and publicly hate each other. Your son is controlling and your daughter is manipulative. Get it together. Your parenting skills are far more embarrassing than Lauren Conrad's sex tape.
Beau is really sick about what took place last night. No. Not the presidential debate. A different kind of vote. One that actually matters to Joe sixpack. Last night, Dunbar voted off his fellow Aussie cast member in order to maintain in the alliance on Real World/Road Rules The Island. It was a vote that shocked America. How could such a sweet Southern boy with sociopathic tendencies send home his good friend Calhutta??? It was just really obnoxious. So Dunbar, you are dead to me and Calhutta, I will miss you buddy and yes, I will keep my back to the wind. Always and Forever.